For now, we wait.

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My husband and I aren’t attending church right now.  There are various reasons, time for a break, a lot of travel, hurts that we are working through.  It’s an odd thing for this girl, having grown up in the church.  There are long memories of frilly dresses, communion plates, singing in choir, youth group and Bible studies.  Church is part of my DNA, but right now I have no place to call home.

Have you ever bought something big (like a car) and then noticed how many of them are actually on the road?  Or had a somewhat common surgery (gallbladder removal), and then found quite a few people you know have had the same surgery?  These things tend to become a second nature conversation, and suddenly, you’re having this conversation with ever other person that you know.  Have you been there?

That’s where I’m at with church.  I’ve made a conscious decision not to go, and suddenly I find person after person, blog after blog with people who are speaking and feeling the same discontent that I am.

The cry is the same for us all – I’m tired, very tired.

Tired of the smoke (literally) and mirrors.  Tired of the church formula – 2 songs, announcements/prayer, 3 songs, sermon and the closing song.  Tired of the lack of authenticity.  Tired of trying to make a difference, only to be shut down because you’re not the professional.  Tired of not being led, but being expected to have the skills to lead.  Tired of Jesus being talked about, but not really lived with, not really welcomed.

I am tired, very tired.

And yet, I long to be a part of a community.  I want to go and be a part of the routine.  I want to be hugged hello and have long lunches after church.  I want to be part of the fray, following the leaders on stage with no question of their integrity or motivation.   The worst part, I just can’t.

I feel jaded.  The feeling when you’ve dated a couple of guys with the same name, they both broke your heart, and now you will never date another _____ again.  I’m scared of going into any church and judging them through the eyes of my hurt and anger.  I’m scared that no church will want what I have to offer.  I’m scared that a fit will not be found.

So for now, we wait.

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3 responses »

  1. Wow, Kathy… just… wow. Thanks for putting into words what Dave and I have been feeling for YEARS and YEARS!!! With the exception of a few years at CCoP, that was us. Even now that we are at a place we’re starting to call home, we are skeptical, jaded, as you said, question EVERYTHING, look for hidden motives, and have a hard time trusting because of our history. Fortunately, this new home is teaching us about grace by living it out, not just talking about it. We can tell that healing is beginning, but know it will be a long process. We hope for the same for you and Freddy. Miss you guys!

    • You guys did have a special thing at CCOP, we enjoyed the fellowship there. I know that eventually we will have the strength and desire to return to a church. Miss you guys too.

  2. Pingback: And so it begins… « The Years of My Pilgrimage

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